Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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