When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
