I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
