Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
