i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
