A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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