her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
