does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
