Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
