you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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