in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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