That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
