If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
