There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
