I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
