Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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