no, he came in my armpit
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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