im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
