Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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