his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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