My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
