I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I deserve this hangover.
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