He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
