I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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