He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
