Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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