i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
