Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The ass gains better be worth it
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