Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
