I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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