I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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