Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
