I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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