I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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