I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
