Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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