we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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