He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
