using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
me + whiskey = a bad person
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
