I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
