i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How does one acquire holy water?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
