Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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