I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
