If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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