I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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