I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Someone came in the potted fern
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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