i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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