I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
