my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Randomize
