btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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