the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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