fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
